“Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.”
“To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.”
“A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.”
“I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes.”
“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did.”
“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.”
“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.”
“If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is...and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.”
“If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.”
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink,
I feel shame! Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver”
“I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.”
“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
“I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.”
“If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.
hen, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'"
They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.”
“One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.”
“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”
“Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.”
“Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.”
“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part.”
“Here's a good trick.
Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go: Okay, is everybody ready to start now?”
“To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks.”
“I was sad, because I had no shoes.
Until I met a man that had no feet.
So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan't using them!”
“When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English.”
“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.”
“I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.”
“Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter.
Wait. . .
It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.”
“If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.”
