“Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!”
“One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”
“There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.”
“Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful”
“If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”
“Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.”
“You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. ”
“Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, going through your stuff.”
“I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand."
And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts.
Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.”
“It takes a big man to cry but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”
“If there were two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins more? I bet you'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?
But you would be wrong. It's Hambone.”
“Eventually, I believe, everything evens out. Long ago, an asteroid hit our planet and killed our dinosaurs. But, in the future, maybe we’ll go to another planet and kill their dinosaurs.”
“If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.”
“The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.”
“I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.”
― Jack Handey
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